Still struggling

 As the title says, I'm struggling still.

It'll be okay though. Either today or tomorrow will mark 30 days since filing my divorce officially. I do plan on emailing my attorney to find out a quick update about this. Meaning do I have a court date vs has the judge been assigned? If one has been assigned, have they granted a default divorce?

I'm just ready for this to be over. I want to live my life. I have already moved on. He is refusing to sign the paperwork. I don't want to be married to him anymore. 

Again, I am just ready to move on. I'm regretting me decision to even marry the man. I never should have to begin with. I never should have given him a second date. Much less a third. 

The man I am dating loves me for me. He makes me feel loved, safe, wanted, protected, and that he truly loves me and that he is here to stay. I already know he isn't leaving me, and that he wants me for me. He doesn't ask for much, except love and respect in return. I truly feel safe and loved with him. I feel respected with him. I am learning how to love myself thanks to him. He's the greatest thing to ever walk into my life. I am forever grateful to him. 

I am waiting until my divorce is finalized to state that I am in a relationship with him. Once I'm free from the husband, I will share his name here as well. And possibly a picture of him. Haven't decided on that yet. 

No, I don't plan on sharing where he lives with ANYONE due to the soon to be ex. I don't want him to find where he lives. Not that the ex would win the fight. My new man would fight for me. He does not want to share me, and I don't want to share him. 

Dear Patrick,

If you read this, please sign the papers. Please move on to someone new. I am not the woman for you. I do not want to be the one for you. I have moved on. I need you to as well. 

Thank you!!!

Divorce

Soooooooooo.......

This is hard to say, but I'm getting divorced. Here the last few days, I feel like I'm making a mistake. I felt like this when I first asked for it. I'm still not 100% sure that this was the smartest thing to do. I feel like that we should have done counseling before just jumping into a divorce. 

I can deal with the fact that Patrick has a felony on his background. All. Day. Long. I couldn't handle the fact that I found pictures of him posing in ladies lingerie. Then found out that he was sending them to other people. Mainly men. 

So I did something petty. I regret that. A lot. But what has happened has happened. And I can't go back. 

I also couldn't take how he spoke to me. How he treated me. How he would ignore me if he was even just a tiny bit pissed off. It didn't matter if it was at me, or other people. He also was drinking heavily. And he wasn't slowing down. He was scaring me. He was drinking like my dad and uncle did. 

I'm just run down. I'm tired of the disrespect. I have a man that treats me like a dang queen now. He's a great man. Very honest. Very sweet. A gentleman. Something that Patrick hasn't done in MANY MANY years. 

He opens ALL doors for me, including my car door. No, he doesn't drive due to a disability. He has seizures. So I drive, which I don't mind. He takes care of me in other ways. I'm finally feeling like I'm safe, loved, heard, respected. My stomach issues are finally starting to disappear. He doesn't feel real, but he is. 

I'm worried that he's going to leave me, or change from who he is currently. He has reassured me time and time again that he's not going anywhere. That he's not changing. That he is real. He's old fashioned. He's everything that I've been asking Patrick to be. He's everything that I've been praying for. He's everything that I want in a man. I'm terrified that he's too good to be true. He is also the first man that I've driven an hour to. 

Why?

Because I want to. Because of how he makes me feel. Because he loves me, and I love him. I never once thought that I'd fall THIS fast for someone. But I have. 

I can't wait until my divorce is finalized. I actually want to spend the rest of my life with this man. He's more of a man than my ex is.