Please don't feel bad for me

 Hey everyone!!! 

As my title says, please do NOT feel bad for me. I am still kind of figuring out my thoughts and feelings about this divorce. 

So, earlier this month, we had a default hearing due to Patrick not signing or anything for the paperwork. My lawyer and the judge asked me some questions. Patrick also did not show up for court. 

We do still talk on occasion, but if he brings up money, etc, I refuse to say anything. I do not want a thing I say to come back and bite me in the ass. 

I also moved myself off of his phone plan. He hasn't paid it in several months. He wants me to pay some of it (which I probably will here soon). It's roughly $1645 at this moment in time. This isn't the first time this has happened either. 

I am also feeling indifferent about the whole divorce. Yes, still. There have been days where I feel guilty for even WANTING one. Then there are other days that I'm like, "Yes, you did the right thing!!!"

I do miss him sometimes. I really do. I had told him on two to three occasions that I felt like we were living as roommates, and that if things didn't fully change (and stay that way), that he would end up losing me. 

And guess what??! He did. I think that maybe counseling would have helped, but at the same time, I also feel like it wouldn't have helped. Not with him doing some of the things he was doing. Not with what I was doing. 

Honestly, I wanted his attention. I wasn't getting it fully. Not the way I believe I should have been getting it. I would check in with him while at work. Ask how his day was. Very rarely would he give me actual answers. Maybe a random "Just busy". Or a "We are down people." Or even "Crystal left early when she was supposed to stay."

If he gave me one word answers, I'd ask him if his day got any better. He rarely said anything still. He'd maybe grunt, go outside to smoke, come inside, sigh a frustrated/irritated sigh, play on his phone, and refuse to speak until a little later. 

I used to wait for him in the garage, then I'd wait with the pups at the door for him. Then I stopped doing both of those things. I would wait on the couch watching TikTok. I'd say hey, reach out my hand, and hope he'd touch my hand and give me a kiss. Well he stopped doing that. 

So, what did I do?? 

I would either say, "Hey babe!" Or I would say Hey!!! How was your day? If no response, I would go back to what I was doing. I even stopped sending him good morning text messages!!! He usually didn't read them until later in the day, if at all. I'd cry more often than not when he wasn't around. 

He just seemed pissed off about every little thing. No matter what I tried to do differently, it just wasn't right in his eyes. It was at the point that I started giving up and looking for the attention I was wanting and needing elsewhere. I got tired of always being ignored. Always feeling like I was in the wrong no matter what. Feeling like I was being taken away from my family (I don't always get along with my family, but they were still my family!!!). 

So, what advice do you give me? Please give me some. Tell me something, anything. The good, the bad, AND the ugly. I know I've done things wrong. I also know he has done other things that are wrong...

He hid a cross dressing and homosexual like lifestyle from me. He thought that he had hidden his pictures, until the day that I found them. 

Would counseling have helped?? Maybe, or maybe not. I don't really know. Sometimes I wish I had tried counseling. I really wish I hadn't told my family a dang thing about the things that he had done. 

At the same time, I am sooo happy that I did. I now am out of a miserable marriage. I have an amazing boyfriend that loves and adores me. He will do anything and everything to help me, protect me, keep me safe, provide the best for us both...even with being on disability. He's so incredibly amazing. Kind. Sweet. Loving. Protective. He feels SAFE, and like home. 

He adores me, and loves me. I adore him and love him. We both hate being away from each other. Yes I know this sounds like the honeymoon phase, and it could be. But I have NEVER felt as safe and protected and loved as I do with this new man. 

I know this was the right move, but why does it feel like it isn't some days??!

Still struggling

 As the title says, I'm struggling still.

It'll be okay though. Either today or tomorrow will mark 30 days since filing my divorce officially. I do plan on emailing my attorney to find out a quick update about this. Meaning do I have a court date vs has the judge been assigned? If one has been assigned, have they granted a default divorce?

I'm just ready for this to be over. I want to live my life. I have already moved on. He is refusing to sign the paperwork. I don't want to be married to him anymore. 

Again, I am just ready to move on. I'm regretting me decision to even marry the man. I never should have to begin with. I never should have given him a second date. Much less a third. 

The man I am dating loves me for me. He makes me feel loved, safe, wanted, protected, and that he truly loves me and that he is here to stay. I already know he isn't leaving me, and that he wants me for me. He doesn't ask for much, except love and respect in return. I truly feel safe and loved with him. I feel respected with him. I am learning how to love myself thanks to him. He's the greatest thing to ever walk into my life. I am forever grateful to him. 

I am waiting until my divorce is finalized to state that I am in a relationship with him. Once I'm free from the husband, I will share his name here as well. And possibly a picture of him. Haven't decided on that yet. 

No, I don't plan on sharing where he lives with ANYONE due to the soon to be ex. I don't want him to find where he lives. Not that the ex would win the fight. My new man would fight for me. He does not want to share me, and I don't want to share him. 

Dear Patrick,

If you read this, please sign the papers. Please move on to someone new. I am not the woman for you. I do not want to be the one for you. I have moved on. I need you to as well. 

Thank you!!!

Divorce

Soooooooooo.......

This is hard to say, but I'm getting divorced. Here the last few days, I feel like I'm making a mistake. I felt like this when I first asked for it. I'm still not 100% sure that this was the smartest thing to do. I feel like that we should have done counseling before just jumping into a divorce. 

I can deal with the fact that Patrick has a felony on his background. All. Day. Long. I couldn't handle the fact that I found pictures of him posing in ladies lingerie. Then found out that he was sending them to other people. Mainly men. 

So I did something petty. I regret that. A lot. But what has happened has happened. And I can't go back. 

I also couldn't take how he spoke to me. How he treated me. How he would ignore me if he was even just a tiny bit pissed off. It didn't matter if it was at me, or other people. He also was drinking heavily. And he wasn't slowing down. He was scaring me. He was drinking like my dad and uncle did. 

I'm just run down. I'm tired of the disrespect. I have a man that treats me like a dang queen now. He's a great man. Very honest. Very sweet. A gentleman. Something that Patrick hasn't done in MANY MANY years. 

He opens ALL doors for me, including my car door. No, he doesn't drive due to a disability. He has seizures. So I drive, which I don't mind. He takes care of me in other ways. I'm finally feeling like I'm safe, loved, heard, respected. My stomach issues are finally starting to disappear. He doesn't feel real, but he is. 

I'm worried that he's going to leave me, or change from who he is currently. He has reassured me time and time again that he's not going anywhere. That he's not changing. That he is real. He's old fashioned. He's everything that I've been asking Patrick to be. He's everything that I've been praying for. He's everything that I want in a man. I'm terrified that he's too good to be true. He is also the first man that I've driven an hour to. 

Why?

Because I want to. Because of how he makes me feel. Because he loves me, and I love him. I never once thought that I'd fall THIS fast for someone. But I have. 

I can't wait until my divorce is finalized. I actually want to spend the rest of my life with this man. He's more of a man than my ex is. 

Letter To Buddy the Dog, Charlie, Addie, Frisky, and Prince

 Dearest Buddy,

I know it's been a few years since you passed over the Rainbow Bridge. You were one of the silliest and sweetest dogs I have ever owned. 

I miss you SO much!!! I know you, Charlie, Addie, Frisky, and Prince were all there to meet Jagger at the Rainbow Bridge. I know that yall are all playing together, having so much fun. I know that when I pass away, whenever that might be, you all will be waiting for me as well.

Charlie and Addie, yall 2 were super sweet as well. Goofy dogs. I miss yall too. 

Oh Frisky!!! You were the first dog that I remember having. I loved you and you loved me. We were the best of friends. You loved sleeping with me and outside my door as well. I miss your fur being EVERYWHERE and on EVERYTHING!!! I miss you being super protective of me and the house.

Oh Prince!!! I wish that I could remember you. The only way FOR me to remember you is thru pictures and stories from Mama. You tolerated me to the best of your ability. I didn't know better when I pulled your ears, etc. You corrected me in the only way you knew how...and no not by biting. 

I cannot wait to see all of you guys and gals again. I know you will be there waiting on me to get there. I know my daddy is there with yall. Playing with yall. Having fun with yall. I can't wait to get back with yall!!!!!

A Letter To Jagger Boy

 Dearest Jagger,

I am beyond sorry for yelling at you in your last days...and every other time that I did. I didn't know just how truly sick you were, and neither did Patrick. 

We loved you SO much. You were our heart dog. You were the sweetest and kindest boy there ever was. We miss you so much. It's not the same without you, Jagger. 

We have your ashes sitting on the mantle and we look everyday. I still cry from time to time. It's been 2 months since you passed. My heart is broken, still. 

You have a new sister. Her name is Sox. We tell her about you all the time. Monte still looks for you some. She misses you. She stopped doing her whining stuff for the longest time after you passed. She just recently started it up again. 

I can't bear to see your nose prints on your window. So I keep the blinds closed more often than not. Sox does like to look out the window from time to time. She is so much like you, but also so different. 

I miss your snuggles at night. Dad misses you snuggling in his lap when he is home. I was terrified to go to bed with just Monte. Especially on nights that Dad worked late. You were my protector. My everything. I wish that we could have had many more years with you, Jagger!!!

We love and miss you, sweet boy!!!!!

Mom and Dad

Friends

 I love THE SIMS. I'm currently playing The Sims 4. 

I had this great friend that I met playing this game. His name is Anders. He unfortunately has passed away due to a heart condition.

I absolutely loved talking to him. He knew about my husband, and I knew about his wife. We were actually talking about me coming to his country so we could meet up. He is from Norway. 

He knew a lot about me, and I knew a lot about him. I still look for him to message me from time to time. I really miss our talks. He was, and is, a great guy. 

Anders, please look out for me. Be that guardian angel that I need. 

My Job

 I work for Panera Bread close to where I live. I started on September 19, 2018. So, almost 4 years now. 

I started out as a delivery driver, making a whopping $8.00 in house, and $5.00 while driving. Plus I got tips. Didn't make THAT much, but it was something.

Then, after begging and pleading to learn production and cash, I finally got moved and started making a bit more money. I still got tips at this point. 

Once my GM quit, I was promoted to Catering Lead/Coordinator. Making a whopping $11/hour, plus catering tips. No more in house tips. I made a lot more at catering thanks to the tips. I was in the position for around 6 months.

I'm finally a manager. This is something that I have been wanting for a long time. I'm finally happy....at times. It is stressful AF being a manager. 

Yeah, yeah. It's just a fast food restaurant...fast casual...whatever you want to call it. You still have to make numbers. You still have to answer to the General Manager on up. You still have to make sure everything goes according to plan. There's a lot of stuff that goes on behind the scenes that people don't see or know about. 

I'm finally where I want to be. Now to really harness my skills and learn all that I can about being a really good manager!!!

To my readers, if you have any kind of encouragement or words of wisdom for me, my comments section is wide open.