Please don't feel bad for me

 Hey everyone!!! 

As my title says, please do NOT feel bad for me. I am still kind of figuring out my thoughts and feelings about this divorce. 

So, earlier this month, we had a default hearing due to Patrick not signing or anything for the paperwork. My lawyer and the judge asked me some questions. Patrick also did not show up for court. 

We do still talk on occasion, but if he brings up money, etc, I refuse to say anything. I do not want a thing I say to come back and bite me in the ass. 

I also moved myself off of his phone plan. He hasn't paid it in several months. He wants me to pay some of it (which I probably will here soon). It's roughly $1645 at this moment in time. This isn't the first time this has happened either. 

I am also feeling indifferent about the whole divorce. Yes, still. There have been days where I feel guilty for even WANTING one. Then there are other days that I'm like, "Yes, you did the right thing!!!"

I do miss him sometimes. I really do. I had told him on two to three occasions that I felt like we were living as roommates, and that if things didn't fully change (and stay that way), that he would end up losing me. 

And guess what??! He did. I think that maybe counseling would have helped, but at the same time, I also feel like it wouldn't have helped. Not with him doing some of the things he was doing. Not with what I was doing. 

Honestly, I wanted his attention. I wasn't getting it fully. Not the way I believe I should have been getting it. I would check in with him while at work. Ask how his day was. Very rarely would he give me actual answers. Maybe a random "Just busy". Or a "We are down people." Or even "Crystal left early when she was supposed to stay."

If he gave me one word answers, I'd ask him if his day got any better. He rarely said anything still. He'd maybe grunt, go outside to smoke, come inside, sigh a frustrated/irritated sigh, play on his phone, and refuse to speak until a little later. 

I used to wait for him in the garage, then I'd wait with the pups at the door for him. Then I stopped doing both of those things. I would wait on the couch watching TikTok. I'd say hey, reach out my hand, and hope he'd touch my hand and give me a kiss. Well he stopped doing that. 

So, what did I do?? 

I would either say, "Hey babe!" Or I would say Hey!!! How was your day? If no response, I would go back to what I was doing. I even stopped sending him good morning text messages!!! He usually didn't read them until later in the day, if at all. I'd cry more often than not when he wasn't around. 

He just seemed pissed off about every little thing. No matter what I tried to do differently, it just wasn't right in his eyes. It was at the point that I started giving up and looking for the attention I was wanting and needing elsewhere. I got tired of always being ignored. Always feeling like I was in the wrong no matter what. Feeling like I was being taken away from my family (I don't always get along with my family, but they were still my family!!!). 

So, what advice do you give me? Please give me some. Tell me something, anything. The good, the bad, AND the ugly. I know I've done things wrong. I also know he has done other things that are wrong...

He hid a cross dressing and homosexual like lifestyle from me. He thought that he had hidden his pictures, until the day that I found them. 

Would counseling have helped?? Maybe, or maybe not. I don't really know. Sometimes I wish I had tried counseling. I really wish I hadn't told my family a dang thing about the things that he had done. 

At the same time, I am sooo happy that I did. I now am out of a miserable marriage. I have an amazing boyfriend that loves and adores me. He will do anything and everything to help me, protect me, keep me safe, provide the best for us both...even with being on disability. He's so incredibly amazing. Kind. Sweet. Loving. Protective. He feels SAFE, and like home. 

He adores me, and loves me. I adore him and love him. We both hate being away from each other. Yes I know this sounds like the honeymoon phase, and it could be. But I have NEVER felt as safe and protected and loved as I do with this new man. 

I know this was the right move, but why does it feel like it isn't some days??!

Still struggling

 As the title says, I'm struggling still.

It'll be okay though. Either today or tomorrow will mark 30 days since filing my divorce officially. I do plan on emailing my attorney to find out a quick update about this. Meaning do I have a court date vs has the judge been assigned? If one has been assigned, have they granted a default divorce?

I'm just ready for this to be over. I want to live my life. I have already moved on. He is refusing to sign the paperwork. I don't want to be married to him anymore. 

Again, I am just ready to move on. I'm regretting me decision to even marry the man. I never should have to begin with. I never should have given him a second date. Much less a third. 

The man I am dating loves me for me. He makes me feel loved, safe, wanted, protected, and that he truly loves me and that he is here to stay. I already know he isn't leaving me, and that he wants me for me. He doesn't ask for much, except love and respect in return. I truly feel safe and loved with him. I feel respected with him. I am learning how to love myself thanks to him. He's the greatest thing to ever walk into my life. I am forever grateful to him. 

I am waiting until my divorce is finalized to state that I am in a relationship with him. Once I'm free from the husband, I will share his name here as well. And possibly a picture of him. Haven't decided on that yet. 

No, I don't plan on sharing where he lives with ANYONE due to the soon to be ex. I don't want him to find where he lives. Not that the ex would win the fight. My new man would fight for me. He does not want to share me, and I don't want to share him. 

Dear Patrick,

If you read this, please sign the papers. Please move on to someone new. I am not the woman for you. I do not want to be the one for you. I have moved on. I need you to as well. 

Thank you!!!

Divorce

Soooooooooo.......

This is hard to say, but I'm getting divorced. Here the last few days, I feel like I'm making a mistake. I felt like this when I first asked for it. I'm still not 100% sure that this was the smartest thing to do. I feel like that we should have done counseling before just jumping into a divorce. 

I can deal with the fact that Patrick has a felony on his background. All. Day. Long. I couldn't handle the fact that I found pictures of him posing in ladies lingerie. Then found out that he was sending them to other people. Mainly men. 

So I did something petty. I regret that. A lot. But what has happened has happened. And I can't go back. 

I also couldn't take how he spoke to me. How he treated me. How he would ignore me if he was even just a tiny bit pissed off. It didn't matter if it was at me, or other people. He also was drinking heavily. And he wasn't slowing down. He was scaring me. He was drinking like my dad and uncle did. 

I'm just run down. I'm tired of the disrespect. I have a man that treats me like a dang queen now. He's a great man. Very honest. Very sweet. A gentleman. Something that Patrick hasn't done in MANY MANY years. 

He opens ALL doors for me, including my car door. No, he doesn't drive due to a disability. He has seizures. So I drive, which I don't mind. He takes care of me in other ways. I'm finally feeling like I'm safe, loved, heard, respected. My stomach issues are finally starting to disappear. He doesn't feel real, but he is. 

I'm worried that he's going to leave me, or change from who he is currently. He has reassured me time and time again that he's not going anywhere. That he's not changing. That he is real. He's old fashioned. He's everything that I've been asking Patrick to be. He's everything that I've been praying for. He's everything that I want in a man. I'm terrified that he's too good to be true. He is also the first man that I've driven an hour to. 

Why?

Because I want to. Because of how he makes me feel. Because he loves me, and I love him. I never once thought that I'd fall THIS fast for someone. But I have. 

I can't wait until my divorce is finalized. I actually want to spend the rest of my life with this man. He's more of a man than my ex is. 

Letter To Buddy the Dog, Charlie, Addie, Frisky, and Prince

 Dearest Buddy,

I know it's been a few years since you passed over the Rainbow Bridge. You were one of the silliest and sweetest dogs I have ever owned. 

I miss you SO much!!! I know you, Charlie, Addie, Frisky, and Prince were all there to meet Jagger at the Rainbow Bridge. I know that yall are all playing together, having so much fun. I know that when I pass away, whenever that might be, you all will be waiting for me as well.

Charlie and Addie, yall 2 were super sweet as well. Goofy dogs. I miss yall too. 

Oh Frisky!!! You were the first dog that I remember having. I loved you and you loved me. We were the best of friends. You loved sleeping with me and outside my door as well. I miss your fur being EVERYWHERE and on EVERYTHING!!! I miss you being super protective of me and the house.

Oh Prince!!! I wish that I could remember you. The only way FOR me to remember you is thru pictures and stories from Mama. You tolerated me to the best of your ability. I didn't know better when I pulled your ears, etc. You corrected me in the only way you knew how...and no not by biting. 

I cannot wait to see all of you guys and gals again. I know you will be there waiting on me to get there. I know my daddy is there with yall. Playing with yall. Having fun with yall. I can't wait to get back with yall!!!!!

A Letter To Jagger Boy

 Dearest Jagger,

I am beyond sorry for yelling at you in your last days...and every other time that I did. I didn't know just how truly sick you were, and neither did Patrick. 

We loved you SO much. You were our heart dog. You were the sweetest and kindest boy there ever was. We miss you so much. It's not the same without you, Jagger. 

We have your ashes sitting on the mantle and we look everyday. I still cry from time to time. It's been 2 months since you passed. My heart is broken, still. 

You have a new sister. Her name is Sox. We tell her about you all the time. Monte still looks for you some. She misses you. She stopped doing her whining stuff for the longest time after you passed. She just recently started it up again. 

I can't bear to see your nose prints on your window. So I keep the blinds closed more often than not. Sox does like to look out the window from time to time. She is so much like you, but also so different. 

I miss your snuggles at night. Dad misses you snuggling in his lap when he is home. I was terrified to go to bed with just Monte. Especially on nights that Dad worked late. You were my protector. My everything. I wish that we could have had many more years with you, Jagger!!!

We love and miss you, sweet boy!!!!!

Mom and Dad

Friends

 I love THE SIMS. I'm currently playing The Sims 4. 

I had this great friend that I met playing this game. His name is Anders. He unfortunately has passed away due to a heart condition.

I absolutely loved talking to him. He knew about my husband, and I knew about his wife. We were actually talking about me coming to his country so we could meet up. He is from Norway. 

He knew a lot about me, and I knew a lot about him. I still look for him to message me from time to time. I really miss our talks. He was, and is, a great guy. 

Anders, please look out for me. Be that guardian angel that I need. 

My Job

 I work for Panera Bread close to where I live. I started on September 19, 2018. So, almost 4 years now. 

I started out as a delivery driver, making a whopping $8.00 in house, and $5.00 while driving. Plus I got tips. Didn't make THAT much, but it was something.

Then, after begging and pleading to learn production and cash, I finally got moved and started making a bit more money. I still got tips at this point. 

Once my GM quit, I was promoted to Catering Lead/Coordinator. Making a whopping $11/hour, plus catering tips. No more in house tips. I made a lot more at catering thanks to the tips. I was in the position for around 6 months.

I'm finally a manager. This is something that I have been wanting for a long time. I'm finally happy....at times. It is stressful AF being a manager. 

Yeah, yeah. It's just a fast food restaurant...fast casual...whatever you want to call it. You still have to make numbers. You still have to answer to the General Manager on up. You still have to make sure everything goes according to plan. There's a lot of stuff that goes on behind the scenes that people don't see or know about. 

I'm finally where I want to be. Now to really harness my skills and learn all that I can about being a really good manager!!!

To my readers, if you have any kind of encouragement or words of wisdom for me, my comments section is wide open.

I'm Catholic now

Back in April, a little bit before Easter, I converted to the Catholic faith. 

I do know a few things about the faith that not even my husband knows. But converting into the Catholic faith has shown me that it's not a lot like that. 

I still hold my Baptist beliefs as well. You can take the girl out of the Baptist church, but you can't take the Baptist church out of the girl. 

Catholics don't pray TO Mary. They go to her asking for intercession. Basically, they go to Mary and ask her to pray for them. It's like me asking all of you to pray on my behalf. To lift me up in prayer. 

The church that my husband and I attend has made me feel 100% welcome there. Not to mention, I feel completely loved there. 

This church is a small church. But a wonderful church all the same. 

I haven't told my mom yet. I believe wholeheartedly that she will not understand. That she will try and say that I'm in the wrong for making a decision on my own (I'm 33, mind you). Even try and say that my husband FORCED me into becoming Catholic. 

...Well did he??...

No he didn't. He told me that it was my choice and my choice alone. That he would support me in all of it. 

Our priest is a very kind man. I enjoy him.

Also, my husband and I are planning on talking to our priest to get our marriage recognized by the Catholic church. We weren't married in the Catholic church almost 7 years ago. 

Being A Negative Nancy

I don't mean to be a negative Nancy...ever. But it's soooo easy to get into that kind of routine. 

A routine thinking that no matter what you do is good enough. That you aren't good enough for certain things. That you CAN'T do certain things. 

I am good enough.

I do try. 

But how hard do I try?? I try as hard as I can. I want everything to be perfect...and that's what gets me every single time. 

I try so hard in making everything perfect, that I screw things up. If I just try to do my best and not make things perfect (or what I perceive as perfect to my boss/supervisor) then I might just do a lot better. 

Focus on one thing at a time. 

And here I go being a negative Nancy again and being hard on myself. Also, the harder I am on myself, the worse things seem to be.

I also must admit that cleaning is NOT my forte at all. I just can't hang. I can't keep up. I'm also afraid that if I rush, I won't do a good enough job. That I will forget something. 

But it's time to look forward, not backwards. It's time to look for the positives, not the negatives. 

One positive is that I am happy at the moment. Happy that I'm not feeling a lot of stress right now due to work. 

Anywho...if yall, my readers, pray, please pray for me that I can find a new job.

Thanks a million!!!

New job

My new job, from what I have noticed, seem to be a little more on the strict side of things. Which I appreciate more than they know. 

My last job was incredibly lax in how they did things and how they enforced rules and enforced how to clean things. I also feel like I was not taught correctly. You can't teach someone any new skills in less than a day. I'm sorry, but you just can't. So, now I really have to put it into high gear and make sure that I do everything correctly based on the limited training that I do have. 

Argh!!!! 

But I do appreciate the higher standards that this company seems to have. Also this company has been in business for 33 years. So they really have cleaning down to a "T". I should be able to learn how to correctly do things and reset myself vs how I was "taught". 

***I will not be stating the name of this company until I know that I will be staying for the long haul***

New job...new me

Well, I got a new job yesterday. This morning, I turned in my immediate resignation. Tomorrow is my first day at my new job. 

Maybe one day I will return to my last job...maybe I won't. I'm not really sure. 

I do know that this new job is a 10-15 minute drive from my house. MUCH better than a 25-30 minute drive. It's still housekeeping, though. 

I'm looking forward to turning a new leaf over. Get away from all the nay sayers from my last job and PROVE that I can do this. I may not be the best but I know I can do this. Plus, it seems we will be working in a team atmosphere. Which is great. 

Focus and get it done. I CAN do this!!! 

Been 4 REALLY long years

It's been 4 really long years since I posted on this blog. For that, I am truly sorry!!! Life and other things got in the way.

But I am here to update and hopefully continue to update on this blog as well.

I seriously hope that you all can forgive me. 

I just wanted to update and say that I'm still here. 

I'll be updating later today after church. So stay tuned because I have a LOT to tell y'all!!!!! 

Just gotta let go

When I look at my husband, I see the love in his eyes. When I see that, all I want to do is melt into his arms. But it seems like all I can do is look away or attempt to push him away.

Why you ask?

Well, it's because I have been hurt by men in the past. Hurt to the point that it's hard for me to trust. I trust my husband 110%, don't get me wrong on that. I've let him in this far. I still have a hardened heart so to say.

Also, I have "what it's" that keep jumping up (Devil stay away!!). What if I had dated this guy or that guy? What if I had said this or that to them? There have been a million questions as to if I should have dated this guy or that guy.

All I can say is I'm glad that I didn't. Glad because I'd have been settling for those guys. Settling just because I wanted a man in my life...a husband to me and father to my future children. My now husband keeps me guessing. Keeps me on my feet. Makes me feel wanted, needed, and loved.


He keeps me wanting more and more. He has NEVER made me feel like I was just wanted for sex. That's what a couple of the guys I dated made me feel like. The third one wanted me to feel that way, but I shot him down. Another just wanted what was best so he let me go. That I am grateful for.

I had one guy that I had gone to school with that was chasing me. I tried in more ways than one to say, "Hey...I don't like you like you like me." I didn't want to come across as mean, but wound up doing what I had hoped I wouldn't. Only way for him to get this message was to actually say that I had a bf and to post it on Facebook.

He was pissed to say the least. He actually deleted me as a friend. I want him as a friend, but I'm not gonna worry about it. He has a wife and I have a husband. I love "P" and Joseph loves his wife.

Thank God for my WONDERFUL husband, without him I feel incomplete. He is the missing peice.

Why is "P" that for me?

Reason is is that I used to have pregnancy dreams galore. The last one i had showed me everything BUT "P's" face. Also, I kept seeing ads for a dating website for www.ichurch.com. Once I met him, I no longer had the dreams and no longer saw the add for the dating site.


It is all a "God thing."

Trusting your significant other

I have gone back and forth between fully trusting my husband and being on the fence.

Well, just now, I just had this moment of peace come over me. I feel, and know I must heade His command, that I need and must trust my husband 100%.

Why did I go back and forth you ask?? Well, I have been hurt so many times in my past when it came to guys. Either I wasn't good enough or they fooled me into thinking they liked me or they had found someone new and didn't tell me until 2 weeks later (we had been together around 6-7 months at the time).

I trust that my wonderful God put my huband Patrick in my path for a reason. He has shown me what REAL love looks like. He has shown me how a man should treat a woman.

Yes Lord, I WILL trust him. I will listen to you and trust him!!!!

My thoughts as of now

So my thoughts of living together vs not and having sex before marriage vs not.

Living together vs not--If you want my opinion, I think that it's the wisest decision that anyone can make. You learn what the other person is all about. You learn how THEY live and how THEY clean. You learn more than you probably want to know about someone. But you learn wether to stick it out or go your sepreate ways...even if you are engaged. For me, my husband and I moved in together about a year after we got engaged to each other. I have had my moments of ups and downs with living together before marriage. But it was truly the best experience that I have ever had. I wouldn't have changed that experience for the world. It helped us both understand each other for the best. We had arguments (and still do) over stupid stuff. You WILL argue!!! It's normal!!!!!!

Now for sex before marriage. I still struggle with some guilt because of it. I was always raised (and took an oath) that I wouldn't have sex before marriage. At 24, I lost it to someone who was NOT my husband (we hadn't met at the time of said lost virginity). We met a couple months later, thank God. Anyways, it's good to remain a virgin until you find your life long mate....or at least until you become engaged to them. Once that happens, then I feel like you should have sex and go ahead and learn how they are in bed. But don't critize how they are in bed while still in said bed. Discuss it later. Learn what each other does and does not like sexually. What does and does not turn the other on. Make sure that you learn each other!!!! It helps I promise.

I know now

I know for a fact that my wedding was NOT  a mistake. It was actually the best thing ever to happen to me and my life.

I saw the first medic that I dated around three or so years ago. He brought in a patient, of course. Well, he didn't say anything to me, which I was kinda glad about. Normally, I am really tense when I am around him and one other. Just glad he didn't say anything to me.

He had told me a while back that I didn't need to get married right now...that I needed to "live my life". Ha!!! I've lived it long enough to know when I am ready for something and when I am not.

BTW, I am the type of woman that's gonna let you know what I want out of my life. If you don't want the same thing, you can ship out. I let him know that when I dated him, which lead to the whole "You need to live your life" bs.

Anyways, I finally found my husband. It was like 2 months after it ended with Bryan. I am very thankful that it had ended with Bryan, because I was lead to Patrick. I will always be grateful for Bryan and even more so for Patrick. If Bryan hadn't ended things with me, I'd be stuck...stuck in a place that I didn't want to be. If it hadn't been for Bryan, I wouldn't have searched and prayed and asked that the right man be sent to me. I would have just been STUCK!!!!!

Happy Easter!!

I hope that everyone has had a good Easter today.

I've spent mine at work...and I get off at 7:00. Not too bad.

May everyone's day be wonderful!!!

All of this bad stuff

With all that has happened over the last few days, I've started wondering even more.

Wondering about what??

Wondering about whether or not I should actually have kids of my own. I've always wanted kids, but with all of this crap going on lately, I've considered NOT having children. It's been sitting heavy on my heart for several weeks now. Maybe even longer than that. 

I've prayed about it. The answers I keep getting are to have children. Not to bypass having them. You know, if you ask, you shall receive that answers that you are looking for. Sometimes you just have to be quiet (or in a couple of instances, asleep) to receive those answers. 

It's difficult for me. I have always wanted children. Children are truly a blessing from God himself. They are given to you perfect, or in many cases with disabilities, for a reason. 

All I can do is pray and pray some more. I'm not going to defy what God is telling me to do...which is have children. I keep getting the same answer from him about this.....have children. He has the perfect child for me. 

Cleaning....story of my life

Cleaning...it's the story of my life. Hate it but its necessary.

I haven't done that much, so maybe if I turned this tv off I'd get it done huh? Hehehe!!!

Bad thing is is that one of my fave shows is on right now. But the last one ends at 4:30. What's worse cause we have peeps coming over today!!!!! Ahhhhhh!!!!

So yes cleaning sucks. More so when your fave shows are on. Must get it done now tho. The sooner it's done the better I will feel.

Changed my name

Went to the social security office today and officially changed my name. It's now Erin Amanda B.... Not gonna spell out the last name all the way.

I had issues with deciding how to do my name. Erin Amanda c-b; Erin c b; Erin Amanda C.

BUT I went with Erin Amanda B. not bad at all. I'm just gla that I went ahead and did it today. Almost forgot about it too. I did yesterday. Lol!!!!!

So it's done. I'll officially be mrs b tomorrow morning.